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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JORDAN!

Dear Jordan,

Happy Birthday! You thought you knew the people you worked with, but in fact, you really didn't. Until now.
Across
According to a variety of unnamed sources, this person likes: crosswords, home improvement, interior design, Queer Eye, rattan furniture, and microfiber pillows. It is also this person's birthday!
My favorite pie is strawberry rhubarb.
This person was voted class clown in high school.
I am short, and I know how to throw knives.
Claims she's the great-grand-sister to the bros who wrote "Hansel and Gretel," but we all know she's only in it for the inheritance money.
You have, on more than one occasion, kindly returned this forgetful person's iPhone.
I eat more popcorn per week than may be medically recommended.
This person is Jordan's mushroom-growing protégé.
I share a name with a 30 Rock cast member.
Despite all empirical evidence to the contrary, this person's favorite color is in fact pink.
My recurring dream themes include tornadoes and teeth falling out.
This is the last straw.
Down
I once spent a summer selling popsicles from a tricycle.
My first name is actually Steven, but that's not what I go by.
Until the day of his actual birth, he was due to be called Dmitri.
Watched "Grease 2" one hundred times in 1986.
This person's favorite food is chicken fingers, bar none.
Due to recent events, she can't stop singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was really passionate about playing the alto saxophone throughout middle school and high school—going pro is the greatest "What if" of my life.
The only guy in the office who can successfully pull off a bowtie.
Suits.
All work and no play makes him a dull boy.